The pandemic is heartbreaking and has touched everyone. We are isolated from those we love, too many are gone, too many are fighting for their health and too many will have health concerns going into the future. Small businesses are struggling, pivoting and closing. We are learning different ways of handling work and school and so many changes to roll along with We miss our families and traditions of gathering and the political aspects that have been attached to a medical crisis have made it impossible to come to any consensus of how we should behave and live. I've been exposed 2 times even in the safe bubbles I've tried to create. I have tested 3 times and that isn't always an easy process to navigate but I am sure the medical front line people are doing heroes work from the bottom to the top. I can't imagine having to figure out systems for management of testing, treating, informing and healing while the virus is raging and out of control. So I will not complain about one bit of this and wish I knew how to help more than masking, staying home and being isolated within my bubble. I'll do all of that and more to help protect my family, my community and myself and I trust the science so I will listen to the medical and scientific community for cues and information.
I didn't want to really get into all of this but I can't talk about this year and where I am and where we are without saying all of that. But I do want to wrap this year up with some thoughts. So here goes..... As horrible and difficult and frightening and uncertain as 2020 has been there have been silver linings, actually I truly believe in all things there are silver linings even if they are tarnished and hard to see. Slowing down has been a gift. There, I said it. I have gained so much (besides the 12 covid pounds we aren't going talk about ). I've had time to think, I've had time to slow down and rest when I need to. I have gathered projects and puzzles and books. I have gained insight and some peace believe it or not. I've let go of some things I thought were important..(Facebook, you top the list, we are much less attached to each other than before), I've figured out who is in my circle and who isn't.... and I've learned to trust the timing of things. I took an online painting class and found out I'm not that good at painting cute flowers on wood blocks. I have listened to books on Audible and podcasts (Armchair Expert, Brene Brown and bits of others) and binged through some really great TV. (Schitts Creek is life) . I semi cleaned out my closet, so much more to go and I'm perched and ready to let go of clothes, junk jewelry, shoes, fabric and craft items I don't use, won't use and are taking up space. Although, I might be needing therapy when that goes down. I rode a horse for the first time in 10 years, you all...it was like going home, that is a big heart thing and I'll write about it soon. I've worked on my financial situation and my credit is going up...you have no idea how much I want a trophy for that! I've had zoom cocktail parties with girlfriends, face timed with friends for coffee, checked in on my children and grandchildren over speaker and facetime, made my Christmas gifts, decorated like crazy for the holidays and found peace with myself. Yes I threw that OH SO important piece of life in casually. THE BEST gain of the year . Let me say it again. I found peace with myself. The work I've been trying to do without getting there needed me to slow down, make space for it and let peace have time show up. This deserves a deep dive, we will do that later..
I will tell you the hard stuff too, what I miss.... Connection in real life, hugs, waking up in my big kids homes with sleepy grandkids, hugs, travel, my mom, a weekend at our summer home that was cancelled and did I mention hugs. This year a friend told me her leukemia had again reared it's ugly head and she was done fighting. We lost her months later but she left us with a collective appreciation of her spirit, collective connection over her, a zoom memorial service and a song I can't stop listening to (Lovely Day by Bill Withers, play it and I promise you will smile ). This year brought job losses and new jobs for people I love. I miss not feeling SO MUCH worry , a sense of impending dread lurks all the time, I feel like my heart breaks almost every day with the things on the news but I truly think this is how change is. It's chaotic and messy and awful and then better things rise to the top. This is just how we fix what is broken and if there is anything that is needed, it's fixing the broken.
This year it's just a holiday that is not like any we have had, it's a good time to be grateful for your loved ones and their safety. Warm roofs and food on the table are not to be taken for granted and should never have been. Wrapped gifts pale in comparison to knowing we have enough to get by. The stars still shine and are there for you to wish under every night. The seasons are unfolding as they do and sharing their unique gifts and if we have to slow down our ridiculously busy lives, it's a good time to look around a bit more at what is right there to our left and to our right. Get a cup of something warm or something that warms you , put your feet up and look at the lights on your tree and just breathe a bit. Take a walk outside, make a good meal, bake something or sit and read...simple earnest things that will fill you up when you are low. I am sure we will be okay, I have to be sure of that and I am... It will be okay... And for your amusement... A picture of my 15 year old self in a bunch of hand knits on Christmas morning, so unsure of my place in the world and a picture of now me, a whole more sure of my place in the world and always always always believing in the magic of things.
How it started... 
May your days be merry and bright...even in the dark.
Love you like white twinkle lights.
B
