What Covid gave me

 Three days after Christmas at the end of the work day I felt like I was getting my annual Christmas cold. By the time I got home I knew I was going down.  The next day I did a rapid test at a local urgent care that was negative but woke up Wednesday significantly worse so I did a longer response test. I was called Friday night with a positive Covid result.  I had a fast descent into a total shut down of function and began 3 weeks of the most difficult sickness I've ever had. I had terrible dizziness and a loss of balance. Brain fog, fever, loss of cognitive function, no appetite and extreme fatigue. I literally curled in a ball and slept. Ate tiny bits of food that tasted like chemicals and could only drink water or 7 up.  The tv was on but I couldn't even concentrate to watch a thing, same with reading or even looking at my phone.  It was like being in a weird dark  cave of nothing making sense sickness.   It lasted 3 weeks and I did have lovely support to get me through but it was a hard solitary brutal journey. I'm good now, a month after coming out of it and that too wasn't super easy. I feel oh so fortunate that I had no breathing issues and was safe riding out as I did at home. It feels amazing to have my feet under me again.

    There was however something that I gained in the middle of all that.   After a long nap one day I had a weird possibly fever induced vision of myself.  Older with long grey hair in messy braid a light filled  kitchen arranging flowers barefoot in a homemade  yellow print dress ( know this because it was quite clearly made with a vintage sheet I have been saving to make a dress, weird but awesome). I was happy and peaceful and content. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace in my dream/vision and a wave of knowing washed over me.  I saw myself happy and light, that has been hard to find.  And I knew that it was time to create, arrange and build a life that feels more like that than what it's been.  I'm not sure of anything other than life is short, we don't have time to live in ways that don't feel right, in ways that are like sandpaper to our souls.  I call it itchy sweater living, always feeling like I have to defend or explain myself, never completely at peace.  Not how it should feel...at least in my soul.  

    So what to do with all that.... I'm letting myself imagine how it would feel to feel light and free from things and situations that are itchy sweaters, toxic things that  take up space that isn't meant for them, space meant for sunlight and calm.  We all have burdens and things to do that don't feel fun or easy.  That's is certainly life. But we do all deserve to live, work and be in ways that don't rub like sandpaper.  I'm tired of the to the bone weariness I feel so much of the time as I know I'm living against my better self.  I am letting my imagination, my knowing and my daring come out to sort through what's next and good and feels safe. In a print sundress, arranging flowers barefoot in a light filled kitchen.....Life is short y'all....that is the deal.  Live life that feels like a soft tee shirt not an itchy sweater.  You can quote me on that.  One of my favorite lyrics..."You belong somewhere you feel free" ~Tom Petty, Wildflowers. It takes a bit of fire and fierce wild heartedness to fight for all that peace and light, I have  wondered if I have any of that left in me, that's the truth. It's messy and sad and the unraveling of what I'm used to and letting my knowing take charge is NOT EASY... it's not supposed be.  But what has happened in the reckoning of my own story is the energy and hope and trust in the vision and what it had to tell me.  Not sure if I will ever be in the kitchen I saw, but that was just how imagination and vision work, they give you what you need for the traveling you will do. That's where I will get the fire and energy and trust needed. I do have all I need and I have a firm real life plan fueled by my fever dream vision.   And there it is...

                            " Because once we feel, know and dare to imagine more for ourselves, we cannot                                     unfeel, unknow or unimagine.  There is no going back" ~Glennon Doyle, Untamed

    And lastly, I refuse to say it's too late. It's not.  That's it and no discussion about too late ever again, please don't do that to yourself either. Too late is a lie....

Live Wildly

Barbara

p.s.  do yourself a favor. Read Untamed by Glennon Doyle.  Shake it all up, you will love what falls out.    https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252

                        

                

Social Media and Me

  The other day a friend posed this question.  "What is your relationship with social media?"   oh BOY...the answer is complicated and a little messy but I would say in one word. Waning.... change also works but mostly waning.  

  I found Facebook in approximately 2009, I joined as a way to keep up with a girlfriend and family who were not nearby.  I found the farm games and they kept me company as I devoted WAY TOO MUCH TIME to planting and harvesting virtual crops to buy a pretend pink tractor or a new barn.  It all helped me adjust to a new town where I had no friends and no job and then as I found some friends who also played farm games on Facebook, we had something to laugh about over wine.  I found a job, I found friends and when I had moments I surfed around on Facebook, checked on my farms and shared every bit of anything. I became very good at sharing more than necessary to the point my lovely new friends sometimes called me See More for the little notation in posts when you have gone on a bit more than most people do. 

 In 2010 when my sweet job went south in a difficult way as jobs sometimes do, I turned to my dream of a handmade business. I began sewing aprons and bags from vintage sheets and found there were business driven pages on Facebook and the world opened up.  So I dove into using social media as a tool for marketing my business, opened an Etsy page and sold direct from Facebook.  I felt it was crucial to engage and for me to work a business like it was my heart and soul because it was. I shared lots, too much and likewise on my personal page.  So much of my day was about what was happening on Facebook and I was checking for messages and questions throughout the day. Social Media became my store, my hangout and I thought my safe haven.   Every day brought new people, individuals who bought or admired my goods or just liked the banter.  I made friends with other business people and I felt there was a sense of community.  I purchased from many of those businesses and created what I thought were friendships via private messages. I gave my entire trust and energy to my online social media world, business and personal. Probably not the best idea but it filled a void. 

Along came Instagram, I opened business and personal accounts there, Facebook and Instagram fed each other and for a while it was all smooth.  But as happens in all things, the good turned a little harder and there were eventually some awful hurtful episodes as friendships I counted on shifted, changed, faded and went away. The community I thought I had around me fell away and eventually like life it wasn't the same as it used to be.  Business done on social media changed as the waters became muddier and muddier with more and more people jumping in, talk of algorithms and post engagement and programs to teach you how to market online for a monthly fee. Younger, hipper influencers posting gorgeous photos daily using filters and correct hashtags took over and did a far better job than I could. After all I was a dreamer who made stuff at her kitchen table, put it on a mannequin named Betty and took pictures in the back yard before throwing it on Facebook and Instagram with heartfelt personal posts.. I felt irrelevant and frustrated and knew that maybe social media had passed me by in it's ever changing shifting way. 

I now work a job and don't make cute things to sell online. People I counted on and thought were friends have disappeared and moved.  Differences of opinion have become reasons to unfriend and block and it's been difficult to see the extremes and intolerance.  My heart has been broken a bit because I invested more than I probably should have in what I thought were real relationships,  relationships carried on in private messages that felt like real connection. I do have a few I hold dear and treasure still.  And then I watched The Social Dilemma. Oh boy that really was an eye opener as to how social media was designed to hold our attention and have us scroll endlessly and how we have become addicted in ways that make us want to buy things or look at advertising mindlessly.  I don't want to be part of all of that.

I have been cleaning out closets, paring down my fabric and craft supplies, emptying drawers and old boxes of jewelry I don't wear. I did the same for my social media deleting people and businesses I was following but really didn't have an interest or connection. I let go of the ones who let go of me and cut who I follow or like (or whatever)  both Facebook and Instagram in half and I will do another purge again.  I don't enjoy posting as I used to and don't spend the time I used to spend. I check in a few times a day, but the endless scrolling time isn't what I want to do.  It just isn't fun and doesn't feel good.  It means less to me emotionally (clearly a breakup that needed to happen) as I am craving what is real and lovely.  A walk, time in a book, a phone call with a friend.  Way better ways to spend my one precious life.   Live life out loud and use social media for connection and information from trusted sources.   There that's it.... my relationship with Facebook was way too much (sigh), it became toxic and now it's waning.  If I'm honest I miss the banter and fun chatter of a community that was but isn't anymore.  That was then and I'm letting go of the sadness that came with the unraveling.  It's okay. This all felt sad at first but it's not, it's change that opens doors, a mind and a heart.  It's how we clear space for what is next and good and healthy. Social media isn't our good friend, we need to control it and not be controlled by it.  Lessons learned in every single thing.  

I will continue to check my social media, less than ever before. Social media isn't in control of me any longer and that's a good healthy thing.  Like all relationships it's good to be clear on where you stand with the thing.  A waning relationship is good, it's time to move on a little and let life be what it is without making sure everyone knows all the bits and pieces of my life.  I think I'll save that for the stories I tell here, after all I'm a dreamer, star gazer,  believer in good things, truth telling and lovely words.  

Love wildly,

Barbara

Living the Minutes

I recently lost a friend to leukemia, way...too...soon. It is a fresh loss and I am struggling still..... She was someone I met in high school, we were in the same circle of friends and activities but I wouldn't say we connected or were close. But some kind of magic happened about 10 years ago thanks to Facebook messenger. We began to "chat" and connect, and we found a sweet friendship that has meant a great deal to me since then.

When she confided that her leukemia had returned and her time was short, I felt ill equipped to give much in the way of advice so I tried to find words of honest comfort.  I told her how much I adored her, I told her how I couldn't imagine the world without her and as uneasy as it was, we talked about her time being so very short. The last message she sent me was right  to the point, just like her.  "what am I supposed to think about knowing time is so short...do I just stop waking up or do I live until then?" wow....wow...wow... there it was the question I had NO idea how to answer. I didn't want to think about her wondering what was ahead about the brutal truth of it all and the reality of losing her. I didn't want to think or talk about what was the most honest question she could have put before me.  Because it was important and she deserved something real because she had trusted me with that bit of honesty...I answered the best way I knew how.

I said "I think you keep waking up and live the best you can in each moment, I don't know if you should look forward or back, just do what you can in each  minute you have before you, I think that is the key to it all. Just be right there. And for the record this is so f#@&ed up "   Probably not the most eloquent words every strung together but all I could manage to find...

I didn't have what felt like was the right wisdom for her, I wanted to find words that would carry her through her pain and fears, I wanted to do more than offer platitudes that fell short of everything. I wanted to try to fix her heart as she faced the impossible.  But I don't feel like I did that...But....a week later as I got the news she had mercifully left her pain behind, I thought a great deal about what I had told her. I tossed and turned so many nights until I heard it loud and clear, my own words coming back to me in the dark..."I think you keep waking up and live the best you can in each moment...."   Have I been doing that at all?? the answer is not so much.... I have admittedly lived in between rehashing all my mistakes and past errors and wishing for a life that felt more like being alive. I've been floating on the waters of wishes, hopes and somedays. I have sabatoged the things I know I should be doing , I have spent money foolishly instead of saving, I have made plans only to cancel and found every excuse under the stars to blame anything else except myself for any struggles. I've been wallowing and in doing so handing away any power I have to live life fully.  It's ridiculous...seriously...
And my favorite poem keeps showing up in my thoughts...not an accident at all..

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver, The Summer Day~

Unknown to me and perhaps to her as well, my friend gave me a gift in our last "conversation" , in examining the way of things...she gently lead me to examine what one is to do with the years, days and minutes we have left because there are no promises of time. I've heard that said a million times but it is the truthiest truth I know.  Life is meant to be lived open heartedly, the good , the hard, the beautiful and the losses...every single speck of it, that is the living part, the up and down and all around, the twisty turns of it all. It's not meant to be easy, it's mean to be exactly what it is, a long long winding road full of everything... Embrace the messiness and confusion that comes with being alive, embrace the ragged emotions and the soaring beauty of sunrises, hilltops and the faces of loved ones.  Cry when you have to, sing every day and dance it out regularly.  Let yourself be pulled toward what calls your name in whispers and shouts and don't waste one moment more wallowing or dreaming dreams you don't have the wisdom and courage to follow. Change your attitude about it all, the days are gifts and if you are unhappy, make a change, not easy but I am pretty sure so worth it...  If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't and it's totally okay to pivot, turn and change your mind. Be relentless in your truth and honor your self as you honor the people you care about. Make plans, don't cancel them and mostly choose courage over comfort  or find comfort in courage.  If something, someplace or someone feels like home and sunshine, there is a good reason, go there.... Sad days are okay, just make sure you have more that are not sad. Lighten up, let go, "let your soul and spirit fly" (Into the Mystic by Van Morrison). Less angst and more unwrapping of your heart. Speak words of truth and kindness whenever you can, to others and yourself. Love way more than you don't...Pay attention... live every single one  your moments .

Shine Bright....

B

p.s.  I took this picture heading towards my home town a few years ago crossing the Golden Gate Bridge.. My dear friend loved the City and this bridge so much.  This post is dedicated with so much gratitude and fondness to Sandy. May you fly high and I'll see you on the other side of the stars..