Oh Hey Hi

 Lately, I've heard the whispers of things I've been meaning to do.  If I had an organized bucket list, the things that would for sure be on it.  Write....I've heard that over and over.  I have excuses and blocks galore, I mean we all have things we've been meaning to get to but somehow don't.  I'm done with that not getting to the things in life, excuses are just fear talking louder than desire.  So I have a new computer, a cleared off space in front of my favorite window and I no longer work on Wednesdays and because I keep saying I want to write more... I will write more. I've made time and space for this and I could NOT be happier about giving writing a solid place in my world. Not even sure what will come of it all and right now I just don't really care, the joy is in the doing of the thing you have been meaning to do. The things that cause you say "I've always wanted to...."

As I launch myself into this way of coming at life, I felt a need to have an umbrella name, one to encompass whatever form it all takes. Whether I sew things, write things, stitch things, knit things or bake things...a name and place for my creative outlets. And although I've named some things before, I felt the need to strip it all down.   By B is the umbrella you will find me under. Once I get all the By B stuff set up, I'll have the path for finding me and my big umbrella but I started here with what I have in operation, I'm a little unsure about how to manage the next part of the set up but for now I'm here.   B...  that's me, what my friends call me and it's just what I need, simple and earnest. So this is me, stretching my fear busting attitude, facing life with joy, excitement and knowing that what I want is now and always has been in my own hands. If I want to be a writer, then I need to write. If I want to be a baker, I need to bake, if I want to hike, get out and hike and if I want to be happy, I can be happy.  

 I thought today on this first new step in this new place I would know what to write that would be so perfect but I'm a little blocked up, just the setting up and the opening of the computer is truthfully a lot. I don't even know if blogs are still a thing, I just know that long captions on Facebook aren't the place to work out the writing of things and this is a place to jump in. So here I am hoping you will hang out with me,  figuring out where this little path will take me and hopefully you will come along.  I have things to say, stories to tell, books to talk about and truths from my heart to share. I need good positive honest things in my life and will throw some out for anyone else who needs them. This is a starting spot, figuring out how the new keyboard feels and trying to find a font that looks a bit different from all the other fonts, I mean honestly the fonts.....  I'm so very glad you are here. And now a new little round up kind of section I'll be doing every week.  3 Things.  Just a journal type wrap up of 3 things I have been thinking about, doing, reading, wondering or watching.  here...we...go...

Three Things

1. I love October, it's my birthday month, my favorite month but right now November feels calm and cool like mist in the morning before the day sets in upon itself. I'm full of gratitude for so many decisions I've made and November seems to be welcoming  with the pace of less busyness.  

2. I'm halfway in the reading of The Book of Magic  by Alice Hoffman (one of my favorite authors, if not top favorite). The last in the Owens women story (Practical Magic is the first written in this group) and oh boy is it good.  Full of all the magic and heartache and family and love you could want or need.  I highly recommend all 4 books but read them in the time order they fit.  This is the last and I do NOT want this to be the end of this series.

3. I need the most sweet, simple Christmas and I need it soon.  I crave comfort and cozy, and white lights and giving and family and memories like crazy right now. Someday I'll be able to explain why, but right now, I just need to hold onto what is good and bright and kind in this world.  I will honor Thanksgiving (so excited for the plans we have this year) but I may have scatterings of bottle brush trees and little houses creeping in before the end of November.  Whatever, however you decide to Christmas it up, it's totally fine. We need what we need.  

OKAY!!!  I did it.  First Wednesday writing all looking out the prettiest window in my house and full of emotion, gratitude all peaking out from behind fear and trepidation. Thank you for reading this, I promise it will get better...I'll do better.  

Love you like a new adventure.

B

P.S.  ...about the different sized fonts, my new computer and I are learning to play nice with each other.  And if I'm honest...I kind of love the randomness of it all.  

 

if the dress fits.... or doesn't

Today I am going to tell you the story of the dress that didn't fit.   Grab yourself something to drink, and get cozy...

Last year I bought a dress from Old Navy online, because 1. Pandemic, everything was bought online and 2. even if it had been a normal year, I despise everything about dressing rooms. So without a try on I got a cute dress...soft floral print, short slightly puffed sleeves, a lovely bit of elastic smocking in the back, soft and floaty, perfect for wearing with white sneakers and a denim jacket.  The dress arrived and it was even better in person, for such a bargain price it was extremely well made and fully lined. It slipped over my head and felt wonderful on.  But.  I never got around to wearing it because pandemic and all.   

 I've been working with my trainer/son Tyler to get stronger and less fluffy.  Stronger is going well, less fluffy also seemed to be going well.  I walk 30 minutes a day, twice a week a resistance workout with weights and my body weight and focusing on eating, sleeping and being well. I can see changes, I can feel changes...so that is success in and of it's own.  Feeling kind of sassy, I decided to wear THE DRESS to work a couple of weeks ago. It slipped on just fine, from the front it looked adorable and I felt pretty good but as soon as I sat in my car, I felt the "waist" slip up to right under my boobs and there it began.  A tug of war that went on the whole day as I sat at my desk, every time I stood up, a readjusting of where the dress wanted the waist seam to sit. The pulling of dress to where a waist should be but isn't on my body.  I've never had much of a waist but even as I see it start to reappear in the mirror, it's still only sort of a waistish area.  The dress spent the whole day reminding me that my body didn't work right and by the time I got home, I was awash in shame over the fact that I didn't fit into the dress even though I "should" have. It was uncomfortable and frustrating.  

The dress was thrown in a heap in the back of my closet the moment I could pull it off so it couldn't mock me further as I stripped down to elastic waist shorts and a baggy tank top to let my body breathe a bit after a very long day of tugging and shaming.  I berated myself for not trying harder with my workouts and eating and it was a downhill march lead by the dress.   Lucky for me, my trainer/son called to check in and say hi and I unloaded a whole lot of failure based complaints at a fast pace.  And then he reminded me that 2 months before, I couldn't walk without a limp (hip stuff) or pain and that I was his most consistent worker and that sleep had improved, my general outlook on life had improved and generally I was succeeding. Workouts are meant to help me live a more active happy life and my body hadn't failed the dress.  Expecting a dress bought without trying on to fit perfectly and fill my expectations was pretty unreasonable and truly, the dress wasn't right for me because my body is doing it's job, the dress wasn't a good fit.

So here is what I know for sure.  Don't wear uncomfortable clothing for one minute, life is short and your body is just fine.  Dress in things that make you feel lovely and loved. And get on with it.... Don't berate yourself because a piece of clothing doesn't feel good.   That's it... love your body for where it got you and how it loves you.  

I'll keep walking, I'll keep up my resistance workouts and I'll continue to eat better to feel better. Because walking without pain is a big huge deal and I have some trails to try with loved ones soon without a bit of limping. What happens with my body will be a by product of all of that love.  I'll find a dress that makes me happy and I can wear all day long without a tug of war but never will a piece of clothing let me feel shame again.  

Thanks for reading, honestly, it's a big amazing deal to me. 

Stay Wild

B

What Covid gave me

 Three days after Christmas at the end of the work day I felt like I was getting my annual Christmas cold. By the time I got home I knew I was going down.  The next day I did a rapid test at a local urgent care that was negative but woke up Wednesday significantly worse so I did a longer response test. I was called Friday night with a positive Covid result.  I had a fast descent into a total shut down of function and began 3 weeks of the most difficult sickness I've ever had. I had terrible dizziness and a loss of balance. Brain fog, fever, loss of cognitive function, no appetite and extreme fatigue. I literally curled in a ball and slept. Ate tiny bits of food that tasted like chemicals and could only drink water or 7 up.  The tv was on but I couldn't even concentrate to watch a thing, same with reading or even looking at my phone.  It was like being in a weird dark  cave of nothing making sense sickness.   It lasted 3 weeks and I did have lovely support to get me through but it was a hard solitary brutal journey. I'm good now, a month after coming out of it and that too wasn't super easy. I feel oh so fortunate that I had no breathing issues and was safe riding out as I did at home. It feels amazing to have my feet under me again.

    There was however something that I gained in the middle of all that.   After a long nap one day I had a weird possibly fever induced vision of myself.  Older with long grey hair in messy braid a light filled  kitchen arranging flowers barefoot in a homemade  yellow print dress ( know this because it was quite clearly made with a vintage sheet I have been saving to make a dress, weird but awesome). I was happy and peaceful and content. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace in my dream/vision and a wave of knowing washed over me.  I saw myself happy and light, that has been hard to find.  And I knew that it was time to create, arrange and build a life that feels more like that than what it's been.  I'm not sure of anything other than life is short, we don't have time to live in ways that don't feel right, in ways that are like sandpaper to our souls.  I call it itchy sweater living, always feeling like I have to defend or explain myself, never completely at peace.  Not how it should feel...at least in my soul.  

    So what to do with all that.... I'm letting myself imagine how it would feel to feel light and free from things and situations that are itchy sweaters, toxic things that  take up space that isn't meant for them, space meant for sunlight and calm.  We all have burdens and things to do that don't feel fun or easy.  That's is certainly life. But we do all deserve to live, work and be in ways that don't rub like sandpaper.  I'm tired of the to the bone weariness I feel so much of the time as I know I'm living against my better self.  I am letting my imagination, my knowing and my daring come out to sort through what's next and good and feels safe. In a print sundress, arranging flowers barefoot in a light filled kitchen.....Life is short y'all....that is the deal.  Live life that feels like a soft tee shirt not an itchy sweater.  You can quote me on that.  One of my favorite lyrics..."You belong somewhere you feel free" ~Tom Petty, Wildflowers. It takes a bit of fire and fierce wild heartedness to fight for all that peace and light, I have  wondered if I have any of that left in me, that's the truth. It's messy and sad and the unraveling of what I'm used to and letting my knowing take charge is NOT EASY... it's not supposed be.  But what has happened in the reckoning of my own story is the energy and hope and trust in the vision and what it had to tell me.  Not sure if I will ever be in the kitchen I saw, but that was just how imagination and vision work, they give you what you need for the traveling you will do. That's where I will get the fire and energy and trust needed. I do have all I need and I have a firm real life plan fueled by my fever dream vision.   And there it is...

                            " Because once we feel, know and dare to imagine more for ourselves, we cannot                                     unfeel, unknow or unimagine.  There is no going back" ~Glennon Doyle, Untamed

    And lastly, I refuse to say it's too late. It's not.  That's it and no discussion about too late ever again, please don't do that to yourself either. Too late is a lie....

Live Wildly

Barbara

p.s.  do yourself a favor. Read Untamed by Glennon Doyle.  Shake it all up, you will love what falls out.    https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252

                        

                

Learning to Float

I spent my summers in a small cabin in a town called Inverness which is located on a bay full of beaches. On the other side of the peninsula are the ocean beaches.  Water was our constant, we sailed, boated, skied and swam our summers away so learning to swim was an essential skill.   We took our Red Cross swim lessons at a favorite beach called Shell Beach. Actually it was called Shell 2 by the people who knew anything about the things you know if you sort of live in a place.  Shell Beach was reachable only but a steep dirt trail from the parking lot to the edge of the water, about 1/2 a mile , then you burst onto Shell 1 where most people (tourists...scoff...) stop there,  thinking that is all their is, because they don't know what we know which is cross the creek on the bridge at the end of the beach, walk over the hill and there is the better beach. Shell 2

Swimming lessons started early and were held for 2 weeks in July. Taught by the coolest kids who ran things at the local Yacht Club, the swim lessons started at 7:30 a.m. with the easiest lessons being first.  In the fog we would trudge down the path and show up when it was still too cold to be without your sweatshirt and most certainly too cold for tiptoeing into the very cold water.  My brothers and I were famous for our shivering and blue lips even on the warmest August afternoons so when we got in the water at swim lessons  it felt like ice.  Learning to swim was such a rite of passage  your  coolness (way more important at that time than being sure we wouldn't drown during all the summer activities) so we didn't argue but might have whimpered a teeny bit

I was not stellar at swim lessons. Early Beginners must learn to float on their backs and the salt water was known to help with the ease of floating.  But for me, it was impossible.   I tried over and over and had to repeat Early Beginners a couple of  times (completely humiliating) because I simply could not float.   During our days on the beach while the moms talked, napped and read books, I watched the big kids swim to the raft and float like they were born for it.  I sat on the edge of the water attempting day after day, summer after summer to just float. Everyone else said it was easy. Lay back, put your arms out and tip your head backwards and you will just float.  I did all of that and yet, no floating. I was embarrassed and felt there might be something truly amiss with me because I couldn't do it.  I dog paddled around those couple of  summers when I was unable to float and felt like the only Early Beginner Swim Class Dropout.  

But the water called to me, I was in it constantly but tied to the shore not to go out over my head ever as I didn't have the skills to carry myself further.  I continued to try to lay in the shallow water hoping to find a way to cover for my floatless life.   I don't know what changed on a particular day.... Maybe I inched a bit further out so there was more water under me, maybe I relaxed my oh so rigid body a bit and raised my bottom up a little more, maybe I surrendered and let my head fall far enough back, put my arms to the side but, whatever it was that I had done right this time... maybe it was believing or trust or fairy dust or maybe just maybe it was the right time.. I felt the moment the water picked me up in her arms and said " I've got you "... and without warning, I was floating!!!  I tried it a couple more times to make sure it was real and then I yelled/shrieked to my mom who may have thought there was some kind of crisis that made her hop up and hurrt to the waters edge so I could show her. Her friends, my favorite aunt like women came to the waters edge so I could show them. And though they clapped and told me I was doing a great job, I don't know if any of them understood how much it felt like I had come home.   The water was soft and salty and I could hear myself breathing slow and calm. I could float, everything else would come from that.

Part of my makeup like blue lips on warm days was the fact that my feet sink in water....they still do.  So when I float, I have to gently kick my feet to the surface.  My love of water lead me to lifeguard during the summers of late high school and college. I learned to swim well and strong and my unconventional slow kicking float style has served me for my life.  

Lately, I've felt adrift.  The world, our country, nature are all in a tailspin of sorts. I can't ignore the unrest and anxiety, the fear and worry, the loud shouting and name calling. All of it is hard for someone like me who takes on the energy of those around her. But there is a price to be paid for feeling and knowing what is causing pain... I am not sleeping. My creative energy is like the dried grass on the all the open spaces and foothills  where I live and the stress is causing some noticeable issues not only in my psyche and body (hello major headaches for days) but also impeding my ability to be at peace and rest. Because I know water is my element and I need to get right with some water time.....I ordered for the second summer, a small kids pool, the kind with a blowup ring. About 8 feet across and 30 inches deep. It's brilliant blue and inviting. Whenever I can and when the need makes itself clear, I slip into this little oasis of comfort, I feel the water wrap its arms around me to say "I've got you" as I lay back, throw my arms to the side, relax my rigid muscles,  let my head fall back and let myself be held by the water as I hear my breathing slow to a deep smooth rhythm.  I can feel every cell in my body fall back into place, I can hear the world get quieter and the battles fall away. I stare at the sky and I watch  the large trees that surround our yard when  breeze moves the branches so it seems they whisper love and wisdom. I move my feet to keep them on the surface in slow easy kicks.  The effects are immediate and carry me through days that seem to be a little extra much.

This is the last of what I wanted to say ….. Floating is letting go, unclenching your jaw, relaxing your to tight muscles and just laying back, knowing or actually trusting that you will not sink, you will not fall, and even if you must slow kick your legs a bit, you will float. You will be okay, you do not need to white knuckle all your days and moments, your life will unfold and unwrap as it should. Take care of your business of life as we must do but whenever and where ever you can, please remember to let go at the end of the day. And find what it is that is your element, water is good for everyone, but maybe it's the earth between your fingers in a garden, maybe it's standing on a hill with the breeze in your face or a candle, a book and a soft chair. And maybe its kiddie pool in your back yard and your phone far away. And remember how good it feels to float.

.  

With love....

B

Checking in....

I'm usually so full of words and things to say that I cannot hold ideas and thoughts in, especially with a sweet new blog home. But....these are not easy times and I find myself feeling that my writings and words are not what needs to be heard right now. There are far more articulate and important writers, warriors that have more of what needs to be written , heard and absorbed.  That being said, I have just a bit of a thought to share. 

I am not okay. People I love are not okay. We are not okay which is to be expected. These are times of great upheaval and conflict, even trying to have conversations with friends and family is tricky so we hold things in.  Hard things, heavy and dark things. Fears and worries and not the least is the fear of saying something that will incited more conflict and misunderstanding ironically at a time when what we need and want is more understanding and less conflict. 

I ran across this lovely piece of art last week by the talented Keely Shaw Art (@keelyshawart on Instagram, please check out her feed).  I fell in love with the beautiful conversation starters that are amazing ways to talk to people you love. 

   I particularly focused in on the bottom right bubble ...."what have you done just for you today?"   I've started using these words to people I love in person or in text. And I ask myself the same question at the end of the day.  The answers range from intensely thoughtful to the lightest thing. My son Jack said he made himself the perfect grilled cheese and turkey sandwich on sourdough bread, but his eyes lit up as he described it to me.  A daughter said she stood up for herself and later had a glass of wine under the stars.  I said that I ate well, answered a friends question without waltzing around the truth (with loving honesty) and danced in the kitchen.    Small everyday actions that might be forgotten are suddenly turned around as we realize that this is how we take care of our bruised hearts. In this time of so much upheaval and chaos, we have the power to do small things for ourselves to keep our oars in the water and lighten the weight on our spirits.  We have the power to do big things that can bring change and understanding. But must take care of ourselves in the process, I love the saying "You can't pour from an empty vessel".  So much truth in that.

     

     Keep checking in on your loved ones, on friends and on yourself.  It might just be a beautiful salad, or a long bath... these small things are everything. And the big things, do those and then celebrate that you took care of yourself on this one day.  Then do it again tomorrow...check in on yourself, find the bits of goodness in the ordinary sweet moments. Check in on your friends, ask this question and see what they tell you. It will fill your heart to hear their truth and to have them glow as little when you ask them a question that is so meaningful and earnest ... AND.... while I am checking on you...how have you been sleeping? Drink some water and take a nap if you are tired. 

I love you, I want you to be better. we will find our way. To quote Glennon Doyle.... We can do hard things...

Take Good Care

Love

B

Instagram @Barbarasuew