Living the Minutes

I recently lost a friend to leukemia, way...too...soon. It is a fresh loss and I am struggling still..... She was someone I met in high school, we were in the same circle of friends and activities but I wouldn't say we connected or were close. But some kind of magic happened about 10 years ago thanks to Facebook messenger. We began to "chat" and connect, and we found a sweet friendship that has meant a great deal to me since then.

When she confided that her leukemia had returned and her time was short, I felt ill equipped to give much in the way of advice so I tried to find words of honest comfort.  I told her how much I adored her, I told her how I couldn't imagine the world without her and as uneasy as it was, we talked about her time being so very short. The last message she sent me was right  to the point, just like her.  "what am I supposed to think about knowing time is so short...do I just stop waking up or do I live until then?" wow....wow...wow... there it was the question I had NO idea how to answer. I didn't want to think about her wondering what was ahead about the brutal truth of it all and the reality of losing her. I didn't want to think or talk about what was the most honest question she could have put before me.  Because it was important and she deserved something real because she had trusted me with that bit of honesty...I answered the best way I knew how.

I said "I think you keep waking up and live the best you can in each moment, I don't know if you should look forward or back, just do what you can in each  minute you have before you, I think that is the key to it all. Just be right there. And for the record this is so f#@&ed up "   Probably not the most eloquent words every strung together but all I could manage to find...

I didn't have what felt like was the right wisdom for her, I wanted to find words that would carry her through her pain and fears, I wanted to do more than offer platitudes that fell short of everything. I wanted to try to fix her heart as she faced the impossible.  But I don't feel like I did that...But....a week later as I got the news she had mercifully left her pain behind, I thought a great deal about what I had told her. I tossed and turned so many nights until I heard it loud and clear, my own words coming back to me in the dark..."I think you keep waking up and live the best you can in each moment...."   Have I been doing that at all?? the answer is not so much.... I have admittedly lived in between rehashing all my mistakes and past errors and wishing for a life that felt more like being alive. I've been floating on the waters of wishes, hopes and somedays. I have sabatoged the things I know I should be doing , I have spent money foolishly instead of saving, I have made plans only to cancel and found every excuse under the stars to blame anything else except myself for any struggles. I've been wallowing and in doing so handing away any power I have to live life fully.  It's ridiculous...seriously...
And my favorite poem keeps showing up in my thoughts...not an accident at all..

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver, The Summer Day~

Unknown to me and perhaps to her as well, my friend gave me a gift in our last "conversation" , in examining the way of things...she gently lead me to examine what one is to do with the years, days and minutes we have left because there are no promises of time. I've heard that said a million times but it is the truthiest truth I know.  Life is meant to be lived open heartedly, the good , the hard, the beautiful and the losses...every single speck of it, that is the living part, the up and down and all around, the twisty turns of it all. It's not meant to be easy, it's mean to be exactly what it is, a long long winding road full of everything... Embrace the messiness and confusion that comes with being alive, embrace the ragged emotions and the soaring beauty of sunrises, hilltops and the faces of loved ones.  Cry when you have to, sing every day and dance it out regularly.  Let yourself be pulled toward what calls your name in whispers and shouts and don't waste one moment more wallowing or dreaming dreams you don't have the wisdom and courage to follow. Change your attitude about it all, the days are gifts and if you are unhappy, make a change, not easy but I am pretty sure so worth it...  If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't and it's totally okay to pivot, turn and change your mind. Be relentless in your truth and honor your self as you honor the people you care about. Make plans, don't cancel them and mostly choose courage over comfort  or find comfort in courage.  If something, someplace or someone feels like home and sunshine, there is a good reason, go there.... Sad days are okay, just make sure you have more that are not sad. Lighten up, let go, "let your soul and spirit fly" (Into the Mystic by Van Morrison). Less angst and more unwrapping of your heart. Speak words of truth and kindness whenever you can, to others and yourself. Love way more than you don't...Pay attention... live every single one  your moments .

Shine Bright....

B

p.s.  I took this picture heading towards my home town a few years ago crossing the Golden Gate Bridge.. My dear friend loved the City and this bridge so much.  This post is dedicated with so much gratitude and fondness to Sandy. May you fly high and I'll see you on the other side of the stars..