Oh Hey Hi

 Lately, I've heard the whispers of things I've been meaning to do.  If I had an organized bucket list, the things that would for sure be on it.  Write....I've heard that over and over.  I have excuses and blocks galore, I mean we all have things we've been meaning to get to but somehow don't.  I'm done with that not getting to the things in life, excuses are just fear talking louder than desire.  So I have a new computer, a cleared off space in front of my favorite window and I no longer work on Wednesdays and because I keep saying I want to write more... I will write more. I've made time and space for this and I could NOT be happier about giving writing a solid place in my world. Not even sure what will come of it all and right now I just don't really care, the joy is in the doing of the thing you have been meaning to do. The things that cause you say "I've always wanted to...."

As I launch myself into this way of coming at life, I felt a need to have an umbrella name, one to encompass whatever form it all takes. Whether I sew things, write things, stitch things, knit things or bake things...a name and place for my creative outlets. And although I've named some things before, I felt the need to strip it all down.   By B is the umbrella you will find me under. Once I get all the By B stuff set up, I'll have the path for finding me and my big umbrella but I started here with what I have in operation, I'm a little unsure about how to manage the next part of the set up but for now I'm here.   B...  that's me, what my friends call me and it's just what I need, simple and earnest. So this is me, stretching my fear busting attitude, facing life with joy, excitement and knowing that what I want is now and always has been in my own hands. If I want to be a writer, then I need to write. If I want to be a baker, I need to bake, if I want to hike, get out and hike and if I want to be happy, I can be happy.  

 I thought today on this first new step in this new place I would know what to write that would be so perfect but I'm a little blocked up, just the setting up and the opening of the computer is truthfully a lot. I don't even know if blogs are still a thing, I just know that long captions on Facebook aren't the place to work out the writing of things and this is a place to jump in. So here I am hoping you will hang out with me,  figuring out where this little path will take me and hopefully you will come along.  I have things to say, stories to tell, books to talk about and truths from my heart to share. I need good positive honest things in my life and will throw some out for anyone else who needs them. This is a starting spot, figuring out how the new keyboard feels and trying to find a font that looks a bit different from all the other fonts, I mean honestly the fonts.....  I'm so very glad you are here. And now a new little round up kind of section I'll be doing every week.  3 Things.  Just a journal type wrap up of 3 things I have been thinking about, doing, reading, wondering or watching.  here...we...go...

Three Things

1. I love October, it's my birthday month, my favorite month but right now November feels calm and cool like mist in the morning before the day sets in upon itself. I'm full of gratitude for so many decisions I've made and November seems to be welcoming  with the pace of less busyness.  

2. I'm halfway in the reading of The Book of Magic  by Alice Hoffman (one of my favorite authors, if not top favorite). The last in the Owens women story (Practical Magic is the first written in this group) and oh boy is it good.  Full of all the magic and heartache and family and love you could want or need.  I highly recommend all 4 books but read them in the time order they fit.  This is the last and I do NOT want this to be the end of this series.

3. I need the most sweet, simple Christmas and I need it soon.  I crave comfort and cozy, and white lights and giving and family and memories like crazy right now. Someday I'll be able to explain why, but right now, I just need to hold onto what is good and bright and kind in this world.  I will honor Thanksgiving (so excited for the plans we have this year) but I may have scatterings of bottle brush trees and little houses creeping in before the end of November.  Whatever, however you decide to Christmas it up, it's totally fine. We need what we need.  

OKAY!!!  I did it.  First Wednesday writing all looking out the prettiest window in my house and full of emotion, gratitude all peaking out from behind fear and trepidation. Thank you for reading this, I promise it will get better...I'll do better.  

Love you like a new adventure.

B

P.S.  ...about the different sized fonts, my new computer and I are learning to play nice with each other.  And if I'm honest...I kind of love the randomness of it all.  

 

if the dress fits.... or doesn't

Today I am going to tell you the story of the dress that didn't fit.   Grab yourself something to drink, and get cozy...

Last year I bought a dress from Old Navy online, because 1. Pandemic, everything was bought online and 2. even if it had been a normal year, I despise everything about dressing rooms. So without a try on I got a cute dress...soft floral print, short slightly puffed sleeves, a lovely bit of elastic smocking in the back, soft and floaty, perfect for wearing with white sneakers and a denim jacket.  The dress arrived and it was even better in person, for such a bargain price it was extremely well made and fully lined. It slipped over my head and felt wonderful on.  But.  I never got around to wearing it because pandemic and all.   

 I've been working with my trainer/son Tyler to get stronger and less fluffy.  Stronger is going well, less fluffy also seemed to be going well.  I walk 30 minutes a day, twice a week a resistance workout with weights and my body weight and focusing on eating, sleeping and being well. I can see changes, I can feel changes...so that is success in and of it's own.  Feeling kind of sassy, I decided to wear THE DRESS to work a couple of weeks ago. It slipped on just fine, from the front it looked adorable and I felt pretty good but as soon as I sat in my car, I felt the "waist" slip up to right under my boobs and there it began.  A tug of war that went on the whole day as I sat at my desk, every time I stood up, a readjusting of where the dress wanted the waist seam to sit. The pulling of dress to where a waist should be but isn't on my body.  I've never had much of a waist but even as I see it start to reappear in the mirror, it's still only sort of a waistish area.  The dress spent the whole day reminding me that my body didn't work right and by the time I got home, I was awash in shame over the fact that I didn't fit into the dress even though I "should" have. It was uncomfortable and frustrating.  

The dress was thrown in a heap in the back of my closet the moment I could pull it off so it couldn't mock me further as I stripped down to elastic waist shorts and a baggy tank top to let my body breathe a bit after a very long day of tugging and shaming.  I berated myself for not trying harder with my workouts and eating and it was a downhill march lead by the dress.   Lucky for me, my trainer/son called to check in and say hi and I unloaded a whole lot of failure based complaints at a fast pace.  And then he reminded me that 2 months before, I couldn't walk without a limp (hip stuff) or pain and that I was his most consistent worker and that sleep had improved, my general outlook on life had improved and generally I was succeeding. Workouts are meant to help me live a more active happy life and my body hadn't failed the dress.  Expecting a dress bought without trying on to fit perfectly and fill my expectations was pretty unreasonable and truly, the dress wasn't right for me because my body is doing it's job, the dress wasn't a good fit.

So here is what I know for sure.  Don't wear uncomfortable clothing for one minute, life is short and your body is just fine.  Dress in things that make you feel lovely and loved. And get on with it.... Don't berate yourself because a piece of clothing doesn't feel good.   That's it... love your body for where it got you and how it loves you.  

I'll keep walking, I'll keep up my resistance workouts and I'll continue to eat better to feel better. Because walking without pain is a big huge deal and I have some trails to try with loved ones soon without a bit of limping. What happens with my body will be a by product of all of that love.  I'll find a dress that makes me happy and I can wear all day long without a tug of war but never will a piece of clothing let me feel shame again.  

Thanks for reading, honestly, it's a big amazing deal to me. 

Stay Wild

B

How it's going ....3 weeks in

 I said I would share how the no spend 60 days is going. As in life there are wins and there are the opposite of wins so here we go. Because I am a glass half full, face to the sunshine kind of girl, let's start with the wins.

1.   I haven't stopped at the Starbucks by my office for almost 3 weeks!  I usually do that 4 times a week because I am lazy leaving the house and don't get breakfast or a morning cup of something handled at home.   And because a cup of something is better with a scone or croissant with ham and cheese, my costs were about $11 per Starbucks visit.  So I saved $132 by making my drink of something at home and brought fruit from home and a mini bagel.  I also saved a bunch of calories as my homemade tea with a bit of honey is much healthier. WIN

2.  I also have been bringing my lunch instead 3 times a week hitting up the deli by work for a small sandwich, chips and drink at $12 per stop.  $108 saved and also calories. I've been making delicious sandwiches or bringing healthy leftovers. WIN ( except yesterday when I got a fast food cheese burger and diet Dr. Pepper and sat in my car listening to my audible book.  I'm not apologizing for any of that.)

3. I've planned meals out before I hit the store and although I don't do the super impressive kind of Sunday meal prep, I do have an idea of what I'm making for dinner at the beginning of the day.  Also not picking up easy fast dinners out of shear unwillingness to think about what is for dinner ONE MORE DAY.  This saves money in our budget and calories for me (Don't tell any of my people that they are eating healthy, they will revolt) WIN

Okay now the spending part.

1. Covid left my sense of taste totally altered, I tried to make a box cake a couple of times and all I tasted was chemicals. Because sometimes you just need cake, I had to find a solution. So inspired by my incredible baking and cooking girlfriends and with encouragement, I got a new cookbook by the genius girl at Half Baked Harvest.  Decided to make a cake but didn't have even a sheet pan the recipe called for or a whole bunch of the baking ingredients.  It took a trip to Target and the grocery store to gather all the stuff and I dove in to make my first from scratch cake.  $50 worth of cake making stuff and a couple of hours of talking to myself and the cookbook, it was done in all her messy glory. A gigantic 3 layer rectangle shaped cake that was so full of chocolate and love I thought I would lose my mind. Yes she went on Instagram because I was damned proud and oh what a difference from box mix cakes.

https://www.halfbakedharvest.com/cookbook/half-baked-harvest-super-simple/

HOWEVER, because it was a $50 cake and a $25 cookbook, it doesn't go in the no spend column. Plus my 40 year old Harvest Gold hand mixer that I got as a bridal shower gift in 1980 died as I was making the frosting and I currently am obsessing about homemade cakes and needing  a stand mixer.  The cake ingredients will be used as will the cookbook so it's a life win but not money saver at this point.

2.  I did not buy anything from Old Navy for 3 weeks.   This has been not super helpful go to self soother kind of shopping lately when I'm feeling down, stressed or life anxiety .  That has saved me about $100 because I never get one Old Navy thing, I find outfits and lots of pieces of cute but not long lasting clothing.   AND I live so close to an Old Navy I could have my son hit the back of the store with a football...or close to it.  I also am trying to commit to less waste in clothing and things that I honestly don't need. However, I love cute clothes...really really love cute clothes.  So I ordered a great basic top pattern from a small independent pattern company. And I ordered some wonderfully mismatched fabric to make a top.   Total was about $55.  But again the pattern will be used again as will even the scraps from the fabric, I have a plan for all of it...

https://picking-daisies.shoplightspeed.com/ruby-star-society-rise-grow-in-shell-with-metallic.html?id=59810168

https://sewhouse7.com/collections/printed-paper-patterns/products/copy-of-the-remy-raglan-top-paper-pattern

So at the end of 3 weeks, I saved $340 plus many calories and I spent $130 but now have a LOVELY cookbook, baking ingredients and a pattern I will use and made a good cake (took  some calories back).  Did I succeed in total no spending? NO... Did I do better ..a whole hearted YES. I didn't spend $200 that I might have with my now almost gone habits that feel like I'm breaking.  I  returned to knit on a  sweater project I put away in a basket for months, organized and cleaned out a dresser, donated a bag of clothing and jewelry.... and got through 3 weeks of the ups and downs that happen. I cleaned out my social media more, took Twitter off my phone and did some serious work on plotting what do I want to do with my next best years and some how  I will make it happen contemplation. I read a bunch of The Midnight Library (book in hand) and listened to  The Four Winds on Audible ( goodness you need to read or listen to this book you all.)  And have decided to let my hair grow wild for the next year (that was my Valentine's Day decision gift to me, but to be clear, I will get it colored for now), let's see how that goes. I am putting that whole bit of life in the WIN column. Plus $200 is nothing to shake a stick at, it's a good amount of intentional good changes and in 3 more weeks it's $200 more worth of change and I'll take that to the bank all day long.

So tell me if you are inclined about your WIN column, your thoughts on changing habits  and  I'm also here with love and "I get it" for the stuff that feels like the opposite of a win.  Take a look at it a little differently with the light shining on it and you will see  that even the not wins sometimes are working in your favor as you head to living your next best years. In spite of it all.  I got you, we got this.  

Live Wildly

B

p.s.  A big huge shout out and bunch of love to Texas, you all have my heart as you clean up and come to reckon with hard things.   From me to you, I love your face to the sun attitudes and truth telling about the hardships.  May you heal and grow .

What Covid gave me

 Three days after Christmas at the end of the work day I felt like I was getting my annual Christmas cold. By the time I got home I knew I was going down.  The next day I did a rapid test at a local urgent care that was negative but woke up Wednesday significantly worse so I did a longer response test. I was called Friday night with a positive Covid result.  I had a fast descent into a total shut down of function and began 3 weeks of the most difficult sickness I've ever had. I had terrible dizziness and a loss of balance. Brain fog, fever, loss of cognitive function, no appetite and extreme fatigue. I literally curled in a ball and slept. Ate tiny bits of food that tasted like chemicals and could only drink water or 7 up.  The tv was on but I couldn't even concentrate to watch a thing, same with reading or even looking at my phone.  It was like being in a weird dark  cave of nothing making sense sickness.   It lasted 3 weeks and I did have lovely support to get me through but it was a hard solitary brutal journey. I'm good now, a month after coming out of it and that too wasn't super easy. I feel oh so fortunate that I had no breathing issues and was safe riding out as I did at home. It feels amazing to have my feet under me again.

    There was however something that I gained in the middle of all that.   After a long nap one day I had a weird possibly fever induced vision of myself.  Older with long grey hair in messy braid a light filled  kitchen arranging flowers barefoot in a homemade  yellow print dress ( know this because it was quite clearly made with a vintage sheet I have been saving to make a dress, weird but awesome). I was happy and peaceful and content. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace in my dream/vision and a wave of knowing washed over me.  I saw myself happy and light, that has been hard to find.  And I knew that it was time to create, arrange and build a life that feels more like that than what it's been.  I'm not sure of anything other than life is short, we don't have time to live in ways that don't feel right, in ways that are like sandpaper to our souls.  I call it itchy sweater living, always feeling like I have to defend or explain myself, never completely at peace.  Not how it should feel...at least in my soul.  

    So what to do with all that.... I'm letting myself imagine how it would feel to feel light and free from things and situations that are itchy sweaters, toxic things that  take up space that isn't meant for them, space meant for sunlight and calm.  We all have burdens and things to do that don't feel fun or easy.  That's is certainly life. But we do all deserve to live, work and be in ways that don't rub like sandpaper.  I'm tired of the to the bone weariness I feel so much of the time as I know I'm living against my better self.  I am letting my imagination, my knowing and my daring come out to sort through what's next and good and feels safe. In a print sundress, arranging flowers barefoot in a light filled kitchen.....Life is short y'all....that is the deal.  Live life that feels like a soft tee shirt not an itchy sweater.  You can quote me on that.  One of my favorite lyrics..."You belong somewhere you feel free" ~Tom Petty, Wildflowers. It takes a bit of fire and fierce wild heartedness to fight for all that peace and light, I have  wondered if I have any of that left in me, that's the truth. It's messy and sad and the unraveling of what I'm used to and letting my knowing take charge is NOT EASY... it's not supposed be.  But what has happened in the reckoning of my own story is the energy and hope and trust in the vision and what it had to tell me.  Not sure if I will ever be in the kitchen I saw, but that was just how imagination and vision work, they give you what you need for the traveling you will do. That's where I will get the fire and energy and trust needed. I do have all I need and I have a firm real life plan fueled by my fever dream vision.   And there it is...

                            " Because once we feel, know and dare to imagine more for ourselves, we cannot                                     unfeel, unknow or unimagine.  There is no going back" ~Glennon Doyle, Untamed

    And lastly, I refuse to say it's too late. It's not.  That's it and no discussion about too late ever again, please don't do that to yourself either. Too late is a lie....

Live Wildly

Barbara

p.s.  do yourself a favor. Read Untamed by Glennon Doyle.  Shake it all up, you will love what falls out.    https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252

                        

                

Less and More....letting go and what you get

It has come to my own attention that I may or may not have some hoarding like tendencies.  Not stacks of newspapers so high you need pathways through the house kind of hoarding but clearly  I have stuff I don't need , won't ever use or don't need multiple numbers that thing.   I also have come to see that when I'm anxious, bored or stressed I have turned to internet shopping.  Not big purchases but many small ones.  For instance, I have enough handmade goats milk soap from a lovely maker to last me a year. It gives me strange comfort in strange unsettling times.  I also have a healthy supply of skin care products (all natural and handmade) in my cabinet, more than I need for the time being.   And I keep a my favorite candles stocked on my candle shelf (also handmade and seriously salted grapefruit scent is important to my life...)  I also do more Old Navy shopping that is needed, grabbing a couple of tops when I feel like I need a lift.  And a generous book stack that will see me through many many years I mean months.

While none of this is complete budget busting or unreasonable on it's face, I have a serious serious financial goal.  I've been building my credit and it's been working, having raised my credit score more than 20 points in the last year.  I have a life plan that requires savings, discipline and getting totally real with my own excesses even in the small spending I do with great enthusiasm.  Nothing huge but more small purchases than I reasonably need.  And  I've got a stash of embroidery kits, knitting projects, sewing projects and enough supplies to open a smallish shop. I have way more than I need of most everything and the weight of it is weight I don't need.  So...time for a goal and a plan.

Obviously, a no spend 60 days is in order, that should be long enough to establish new habits. This means making my lunch and getting up 15 minutes early to whip up a smoothie on the way to work.  Small changes that will pay off in both health and finances.  $15 a day spent grabbing food out is $300 a month and that looks like something worth saving when I look at it from a bigger picture.  I want something that will only happen if I get better at spending less, I want to feel better by eating food... that will only happen if I eat better food ( I don't care how it looks, drive through food isn't the food that will support your health, I know that, I just get late and it seems faster and I tell myself next week I'll do better, ugh). I want my house and life less cluttered and that means continuing to clean out what I've collected and NOT ADDING TO IT!  

So here is my plan.  My change habits and thinking and self soothing momentary spending and wasting plan.  60 days to change routines, mindset and actions. 60 days to financial, emotional and actual health improvement, 6 months to meet my big major goal. Change for a good reason.

1.  Make a clear budget that allows for only essentials to be replaced when I actually run out.  No more hoarding....

2.  Use what I have. Read the books, make  and create, do the gorgeous projects in my to do box. Mend, upcycle and make clothes, take my creative maker girl out of hiding shake off my big ideas and let my style reflect my spirit. Old Navy can't do that.   

3.  NO QUICK DRIVE THROUGH FOOD OR DRINK!!!   (remember $300 a month saved, feed my body what it needs to be happy and well. ...easy motivation) this is hard, I know it will be a struggle.  UGH...

4. Purge closets and drawers and boxes...donate what can be donated and empty out clutter and unneeded  stuff...don't look at it too long, don't get emotionally attached to all the things...It will feel better to keep what really matters.

5. Read the books, then trade books with friends... find used copies or borrow... time for a library card 

What I'm working for is learning to be fine without large stacks of soap, extra books, Old Navy tees and more projects than I can possibly ever complete.  Fewer clothes that work better, cleaned closets and corners. Let go of what isn't feeding my goal and major financial plan.  Live without soothing by mindless online purchases, wasting money ( and life space) and filling up on the things I absolutely know are meaningful.(and to be transparent, a salted grapefruit candle once a month, a girl needs good smells)...60 days and I will let check in at 30 and share  how it's going. Heck if it gets rocky, we can talk about that too...that's how you do it, with love, support and a good plan.  I'll be accountable and honest with myself and let you know what works, what is struggle and success feels like...

Here's to being frugal, thoughtful with money and stuff but mostly here's to making good plans. I got this.  If you want to chat about your extra stuff and goals for yourself, let me know. I'm here.

Love Wildly

Barbara

Social Media and Me

  The other day a friend posed this question.  "What is your relationship with social media?"   oh BOY...the answer is complicated and a little messy but I would say in one word. Waning.... change also works but mostly waning.  

  I found Facebook in approximately 2009, I joined as a way to keep up with a girlfriend and family who were not nearby.  I found the farm games and they kept me company as I devoted WAY TOO MUCH TIME to planting and harvesting virtual crops to buy a pretend pink tractor or a new barn.  It all helped me adjust to a new town where I had no friends and no job and then as I found some friends who also played farm games on Facebook, we had something to laugh about over wine.  I found a job, I found friends and when I had moments I surfed around on Facebook, checked on my farms and shared every bit of anything. I became very good at sharing more than necessary to the point my lovely new friends sometimes called me See More for the little notation in posts when you have gone on a bit more than most people do. 

 In 2010 when my sweet job went south in a difficult way as jobs sometimes do, I turned to my dream of a handmade business. I began sewing aprons and bags from vintage sheets and found there were business driven pages on Facebook and the world opened up.  So I dove into using social media as a tool for marketing my business, opened an Etsy page and sold direct from Facebook.  I felt it was crucial to engage and for me to work a business like it was my heart and soul because it was. I shared lots, too much and likewise on my personal page.  So much of my day was about what was happening on Facebook and I was checking for messages and questions throughout the day. Social Media became my store, my hangout and I thought my safe haven.   Every day brought new people, individuals who bought or admired my goods or just liked the banter.  I made friends with other business people and I felt there was a sense of community.  I purchased from many of those businesses and created what I thought were friendships via private messages. I gave my entire trust and energy to my online social media world, business and personal. Probably not the best idea but it filled a void. 

Along came Instagram, I opened business and personal accounts there, Facebook and Instagram fed each other and for a while it was all smooth.  But as happens in all things, the good turned a little harder and there were eventually some awful hurtful episodes as friendships I counted on shifted, changed, faded and went away. The community I thought I had around me fell away and eventually like life it wasn't the same as it used to be.  Business done on social media changed as the waters became muddier and muddier with more and more people jumping in, talk of algorithms and post engagement and programs to teach you how to market online for a monthly fee. Younger, hipper influencers posting gorgeous photos daily using filters and correct hashtags took over and did a far better job than I could. After all I was a dreamer who made stuff at her kitchen table, put it on a mannequin named Betty and took pictures in the back yard before throwing it on Facebook and Instagram with heartfelt personal posts.. I felt irrelevant and frustrated and knew that maybe social media had passed me by in it's ever changing shifting way. 

I now work a job and don't make cute things to sell online. People I counted on and thought were friends have disappeared and moved.  Differences of opinion have become reasons to unfriend and block and it's been difficult to see the extremes and intolerance.  My heart has been broken a bit because I invested more than I probably should have in what I thought were real relationships,  relationships carried on in private messages that felt like real connection. I do have a few I hold dear and treasure still.  And then I watched The Social Dilemma. Oh boy that really was an eye opener as to how social media was designed to hold our attention and have us scroll endlessly and how we have become addicted in ways that make us want to buy things or look at advertising mindlessly.  I don't want to be part of all of that.

I have been cleaning out closets, paring down my fabric and craft supplies, emptying drawers and old boxes of jewelry I don't wear. I did the same for my social media deleting people and businesses I was following but really didn't have an interest or connection. I let go of the ones who let go of me and cut who I follow or like (or whatever)  both Facebook and Instagram in half and I will do another purge again.  I don't enjoy posting as I used to and don't spend the time I used to spend. I check in a few times a day, but the endless scrolling time isn't what I want to do.  It just isn't fun and doesn't feel good.  It means less to me emotionally (clearly a breakup that needed to happen) as I am craving what is real and lovely.  A walk, time in a book, a phone call with a friend.  Way better ways to spend my one precious life.   Live life out loud and use social media for connection and information from trusted sources.   There that's it.... my relationship with Facebook was way too much (sigh), it became toxic and now it's waning.  If I'm honest I miss the banter and fun chatter of a community that was but isn't anymore.  That was then and I'm letting go of the sadness that came with the unraveling.  It's okay. This all felt sad at first but it's not, it's change that opens doors, a mind and a heart.  It's how we clear space for what is next and good and healthy. Social media isn't our good friend, we need to control it and not be controlled by it.  Lessons learned in every single thing.  

I will continue to check my social media, less than ever before. Social media isn't in control of me any longer and that's a good healthy thing.  Like all relationships it's good to be clear on where you stand with the thing.  A waning relationship is good, it's time to move on a little and let life be what it is without making sure everyone knows all the bits and pieces of my life.  I think I'll save that for the stories I tell here, after all I'm a dreamer, star gazer,  believer in good things, truth telling and lovely words.  

Love wildly,

Barbara

How it's going.....

It's been quite a year hasn't it? I'm not the first to say this for sure but that's where this post is starting because it's the only sentence that comes to mind.  I need a little wrap up of what this all feels like although honestly, I don't think the state of things will change with the clock hitting midnight on December 31.  I think we are in for more of all that we are weathering right now.  That being said, I think change is constant and we are moving through a time that has challenged all of us to think about how we approach life, our values and each other, and that isn't all bad.  

The pandemic is heartbreaking and has touched everyone.   We are isolated from those we love, too many are gone, too many are fighting for their health and too many will have health concerns going into the future.  Small businesses are struggling, pivoting and closing. We are learning different ways of handling work and school and so many changes to roll along with  We miss our families and traditions of gathering and the political aspects that have been attached to a medical crisis have made it impossible to come to any consensus of how we should behave and live. I've been exposed 2 times  even in the safe bubbles I've tried to create.  I have tested 3 times and that isn't always an easy process to navigate but I am sure the medical front line people are doing heroes work from the bottom to the top.  I can't imagine having to figure out systems for management of testing, treating, informing and healing while the virus is raging and out of control.  So I will not complain about one bit of this and wish I knew how to help more than masking, staying home and being isolated within my bubble.  I'll do all of that and more to help protect my family, my community and myself and I  trust the science so I will listen to the medical and scientific community for cues and information. 

I didn't want to really get into all of this but I can't talk about this year and where I am and where we are without saying all of that.   But I do want to wrap this year up with some thoughts.   So here goes.....  As horrible and difficult and frightening and uncertain as 2020 has been there have been silver linings, actually I truly believe in all things there are silver linings even if they are tarnished and hard to see.  Slowing down has been a gift.  There, I said it. I have gained so much (besides the 12 covid pounds we aren't going talk about ).  I've had time to think, I've had time to slow down and rest when I need to. I have gathered projects and puzzles and books.  I have gained insight and some peace believe it or not.  I've let go of some things I thought were important..(Facebook, you top the list, we are much less attached to each other than before), I've figured out who is in my circle and who isn't.... and I've learned to trust the timing of things. I took an online painting class and found out I'm not that good at painting cute flowers on wood blocks.  I have listened to books on Audible and podcasts (Armchair Expert, Brene Brown and bits of others) and binged through some really great TV. (Schitts Creek is life) . I semi cleaned out my closet, so much more to go and I'm perched and ready to  let go of  clothes, junk jewelry, shoes, fabric and craft items I don't use, won't use and are taking up space. Although, I might be needing therapy when that goes down.  I rode a horse for the first time in 10 years, you all...it was like going home, that is a big heart thing and I'll write about it soon.  I've worked on my financial situation and my credit is going up...you have no idea how much I want a trophy for that!  I've had zoom cocktail parties with girlfriends, face timed with friends for coffee, checked in on my children and grandchildren over speaker and facetime, made my Christmas gifts, decorated like crazy for the holidays and found peace with myself.  Yes I threw that OH SO important piece of life in casually. THE BEST gain of the year .  Let me say it again. I found peace with myself. The work I've been trying to do without getting there needed me to slow down, make space for it  and let peace have time show up.  This deserves a deep dive, we will do that later..  

I will tell you the hard stuff too, what I miss....  Connection in real life, hugs, waking up in my big kids homes with sleepy grandkids, hugs, travel, my mom, a weekend at our summer home that was cancelled and did I mention hugs. This year a friend told me her leukemia had again reared it's ugly head and she was done fighting. We lost her months later but she left us with a collective appreciation of her spirit, collective connection over her, a zoom memorial service  and a song I can't stop listening to (Lovely Day by Bill Withers, play it and I promise you will smile ). This year brought job losses and new jobs for people I love.  I miss not feeling  SO MUCH worry , a sense of impending dread lurks all the time, I feel like my heart breaks almost every day with the things on the news but I truly think this is how change is. It's chaotic and messy and awful and then better things rise to the top.  This is just how we fix what is broken and if there is anything that is needed, it's fixing the broken.  

 This year it's just a holiday that is not like any we have had, it's a good time to be grateful for your loved ones and their safety. Warm roofs and food on the table are not to be taken for granted and should never have been. Wrapped gifts pale in comparison to knowing we have enough to get by.  The stars still shine and are there for you to wish under every night.  The seasons are unfolding as they do and sharing their unique gifts  and if we have to slow down our ridiculously busy lives, it's a good time to look around a bit more at what is right there to our left and to our right.  Get a cup of something warm or something that warms you , put your feet up and look at the lights on your tree and just breathe a bit. Take a walk outside, make a good meal, bake something or sit and read...simple earnest things that will fill you up when you are low.  I am sure we will be okay, I have to be sure of that and I am... It will be okay... And for your amusement... A picture of my 15 year old self in a bunch of hand knits on Christmas morning, so unsure of my place in the world and a picture of now me, a whole more sure of my place in the world and always always always believing in the magic of things.    

How it started...    

How it's going...

May your days be merry and bright...even in the dark.

Love you like white twinkle lights.

B