Learning to Float

I spent my summers in a small cabin in a town called Inverness which is located on a bay full of beaches. On the other side of the peninsula are the ocean beaches.  Water was our constant, we sailed, boated, skied and swam our summers away so learning to swim was an essential skill.   We took our Red Cross swim lessons at a favorite beach called Shell Beach. Actually it was called Shell 2 by the people who knew anything about the things you know if you sort of live in a place.  Shell Beach was reachable only but a steep dirt trail from the parking lot to the edge of the water, about 1/2 a mile , then you burst onto Shell 1 where most people (tourists...scoff...) stop there,  thinking that is all their is, because they don't know what we know which is cross the creek on the bridge at the end of the beach, walk over the hill and there is the better beach. Shell 2

Swimming lessons started early and were held for 2 weeks in July. Taught by the coolest kids who ran things at the local Yacht Club, the swim lessons started at 7:30 a.m. with the easiest lessons being first.  In the fog we would trudge down the path and show up when it was still too cold to be without your sweatshirt and most certainly too cold for tiptoeing into the very cold water.  My brothers and I were famous for our shivering and blue lips even on the warmest August afternoons so when we got in the water at swim lessons  it felt like ice.  Learning to swim was such a rite of passage  your  coolness (way more important at that time than being sure we wouldn't drown during all the summer activities) so we didn't argue but might have whimpered a teeny bit

I was not stellar at swim lessons. Early Beginners must learn to float on their backs and the salt water was known to help with the ease of floating.  But for me, it was impossible.   I tried over and over and had to repeat Early Beginners a couple of  times (completely humiliating) because I simply could not float.   During our days on the beach while the moms talked, napped and read books, I watched the big kids swim to the raft and float like they were born for it.  I sat on the edge of the water attempting day after day, summer after summer to just float. Everyone else said it was easy. Lay back, put your arms out and tip your head backwards and you will just float.  I did all of that and yet, no floating. I was embarrassed and felt there might be something truly amiss with me because I couldn't do it.  I dog paddled around those couple of  summers when I was unable to float and felt like the only Early Beginner Swim Class Dropout.  

But the water called to me, I was in it constantly but tied to the shore not to go out over my head ever as I didn't have the skills to carry myself further.  I continued to try to lay in the shallow water hoping to find a way to cover for my floatless life.   I don't know what changed on a particular day.... Maybe I inched a bit further out so there was more water under me, maybe I relaxed my oh so rigid body a bit and raised my bottom up a little more, maybe I surrendered and let my head fall far enough back, put my arms to the side but, whatever it was that I had done right this time... maybe it was believing or trust or fairy dust or maybe just maybe it was the right time.. I felt the moment the water picked me up in her arms and said " I've got you "... and without warning, I was floating!!!  I tried it a couple more times to make sure it was real and then I yelled/shrieked to my mom who may have thought there was some kind of crisis that made her hop up and hurrt to the waters edge so I could show her. Her friends, my favorite aunt like women came to the waters edge so I could show them. And though they clapped and told me I was doing a great job, I don't know if any of them understood how much it felt like I had come home.   The water was soft and salty and I could hear myself breathing slow and calm. I could float, everything else would come from that.

Part of my makeup like blue lips on warm days was the fact that my feet sink in water....they still do.  So when I float, I have to gently kick my feet to the surface.  My love of water lead me to lifeguard during the summers of late high school and college. I learned to swim well and strong and my unconventional slow kicking float style has served me for my life.  

Lately, I've felt adrift.  The world, our country, nature are all in a tailspin of sorts. I can't ignore the unrest and anxiety, the fear and worry, the loud shouting and name calling. All of it is hard for someone like me who takes on the energy of those around her. But there is a price to be paid for feeling and knowing what is causing pain... I am not sleeping. My creative energy is like the dried grass on the all the open spaces and foothills  where I live and the stress is causing some noticeable issues not only in my psyche and body (hello major headaches for days) but also impeding my ability to be at peace and rest. Because I know water is my element and I need to get right with some water time.....I ordered for the second summer, a small kids pool, the kind with a blowup ring. About 8 feet across and 30 inches deep. It's brilliant blue and inviting. Whenever I can and when the need makes itself clear, I slip into this little oasis of comfort, I feel the water wrap its arms around me to say "I've got you" as I lay back, throw my arms to the side, relax my rigid muscles,  let my head fall back and let myself be held by the water as I hear my breathing slow to a deep smooth rhythm.  I can feel every cell in my body fall back into place, I can hear the world get quieter and the battles fall away. I stare at the sky and I watch  the large trees that surround our yard when  breeze moves the branches so it seems they whisper love and wisdom. I move my feet to keep them on the surface in slow easy kicks.  The effects are immediate and carry me through days that seem to be a little extra much.

This is the last of what I wanted to say ….. Floating is letting go, unclenching your jaw, relaxing your to tight muscles and just laying back, knowing or actually trusting that you will not sink, you will not fall, and even if you must slow kick your legs a bit, you will float. You will be okay, you do not need to white knuckle all your days and moments, your life will unfold and unwrap as it should. Take care of your business of life as we must do but whenever and where ever you can, please remember to let go at the end of the day. And find what it is that is your element, water is good for everyone, but maybe it's the earth between your fingers in a garden, maybe it's standing on a hill with the breeze in your face or a candle, a book and a soft chair. And maybe its kiddie pool in your back yard and your phone far away. And remember how good it feels to float.

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With love....

B